Song #65: Wolfsheim - FInd You’re Here (off Casting Shadows - 2003)
Having never been a particularly pretty, smart or likable child, it was a shock to everyone (most of all to her) that Ophelia had grown into a charismatic young woman. As hard as she tried to build her personality to accommodate her natural flaws (crooked teeth, laziness and Vulcan-level emotional awkwardness among others), her teenage years were spent burning bridges as each of her “friends” turned on her and declared her utterly unlikable. The more she heard it, the more she believed it to be true.
For some reason she could never figure out, it all changed post-graduation. After high school, people liked Ophelia and came to her for advice. She read more, found her passion and kept herself out of trouble. In her youth, most of her energy had been spent trying to steal attention, and these days she didn’t have to try. Men and women approached her. She still felt like that thick-thighed, blind Vulcan, but she learned that as long as she was on - laughing at the right moment; letting the ignorance of others slide while being hyper-vigilant of her own; walking on eggshells lest she offend someone she didn’t really care about - they liked her.
It was exhausting.
She tried to surround herself with an inner circle of people who saw through that. They were the kind of friends to whom she could show her true, raw neuroses and would not only refrain from judgment, they also may even help. These people were equally fucked up, but with better reason. It became a competition in her mind, but she could never win. With Ophelia, there was no chemical imbalance, no history of abuse or heartbreak. She tried to apply logic to situations that called for compassion and vice-versa. There was always a lingering fear, though. Would these people turn on her as well? Was she still utterly unlikable? She still felt like the same person.
After a while, she couldn’t tell who she liked anymore. Did she enjoy Person X’s company? Who knows. He seemed nice. Person Y laughed at her joke even though it wasn’t funny. Was that a good sign?
If she had to explain why her friends were her friends, she wouldn’t be able to explain. She figured that she’d helped them through enough hard times that they couldn’t abandon her. It was impossible for her to express that kind of insecurity.
There is one person who really knows her. She likes to think she knows him.
Knowing doesn’t equal understanding, though, and it’s a problem they’ve faced more times than either of them care to think about.
Ophelia still doesn’t know how to show it. She’s grown superficially into a real person, but she still doesn’t understand what it means to like and be liked in return.