Sing It Back: Songs for Every Day

Song #58:  Porcupine Tree - Shesmovedon (off Lightbulb Sun - 2000)

She needed to take something derelict and near-uninhabitable and return it to its former splendour. What was once bright and cozy was now cold, lonely and dank. Years of improper care and laziness couldn’t be masked by a new coat of paint - damage had been done. It wasn’t just the cobwebs in forgotten corners that were now too big to ignore. It was more than the scorch marks on the floor from an unextinguished flame. It was more than the water damage from the burst pipe or the unmistakeable smell of something that hasn’t seen natural light in a long time. This space was supposed to be great - there’d always been so much potential in the high ceilings and convenient location. This space could have been anything, but it was easier to just let it decay at the first hint of adversity. Her dreams had always been just slightly bigger than the space could accommodate. This could never be what she needed, so she decided to tear it down on her own.

She stripped herself down to girders and panels, a bare foundation she couldn’t change. She tore down the unstable walls, ripped up uneven carpet and broke down doors whose keys she’d lost years ago. She was finally able to see the damage inflicted by termites who had been gnawing away at the few supports she had left. She jumped on the cracked concrete floor and sat down, observing the ruins of a once-great architectural masterpiece. The gravity of what she’d done hit her immediately, and she found herself overwhelmed at the thought of rebuilding.

She gave herself a year. She made a list of everything she would never allow herself to experience again and another of skills she’d have to develop. She didn’t mind having an entire reconstruction project to herself, but a little voice kept asking, “What if new project turns out to be difficult to maintain?” She would not be discouraged.

She started slowly, planning only a few steps in advance. She fixed the cracks in the floor and built a stronger support system. She accepted help from onlookers, but she acknowledged that the brunt of the construction was entirely on her. Bit by bit she worked to give herself the secure, spacious and adaptable environment she’d always craved.

Though her progress was unimaginable (‘when had she ever accomplished anything?’ onlookers would ask), she occasionally would shock the crowd by revealing a beautiful new room. The improvements became more cosmetic, and the muttering grew louder: “This looks a lot like the old place, doesn’t it?” They thought she couldn’t hear them.

“There were many wonderful things about that old space. I have not, however, recreated it. That’s nonsense! I tore it down for a reason.” She could see their reticence in their faces; superficially, her finished project was similar to the one she demolished. 

“It’s not about the building, it’s about me.” She announced. “If I think it’s worth it to put so much of myself into these improvements, it’s worth maintaining afterwards. This is my project; it’s an extension of me now. I deserve what I have built.”

The focus was now entirely on her. She was once inconsequential, and these renovations had given her the confidence to make something of herself. 

It’s been a year since she razed it all, and everyone agrees - She’s moved on.