Song #38: Too Many Sisters - When I Get My Confidence Back (off Non Barking Dog - 2008)
This is the most-played song in my whole iTunes library. It has 222 plays, which would only be excessive if it wasn’t pretty much the perfect song for dealing with the aftermath of any emotional trauma. I mentioned in the last post that 21 wasn’t an easy year for me…
My mother sent me an email from work earlier today (I booked my birthday, tomorrow and Sunday off) that made me cry, and I can’t tell if they’re good tears (because I know that she’ll always be there for me) or hopeless tears because there’s nothing I can do about any of the things she mentioned.
“Dina once told me that we suffer a short period of grieving just a day or so before our birthday; it has nothing to do with getting older, but what we are leaving behind. And you have had quite a year sweetheart.”
I still haven’t recovered from what happened four summers ago. It still affects how I see myself and my confidence in my abilities. Theoretically, I know I am capable of almost anything, but it’s been years since I’ve found joy in the one thing for which I’ve ever felt passionate. I’ve got an award from two years after the fact proving that I can adeptly fake it, but it’s not worth the effort for so little payoff. I don’t have the plaque anyway - they misspelled my name and I never went back to pick up the new one.
People are who they are, I guess. One lesson that I’ve had beaten into me this year is that people don’t change just because they should. It’s one thing to know that, though, and quite another to experience it every time you see that person.
I can’t for certain say that twenty-two will be the age during which I’ll get my confidence back. I’m lucky enough to know that when it does happen, I’ll have everything.
